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Thought #1 – Chicago should be very thankful they got passed up for the 2016 Olympics. I mean did you really want to have to deal with all the construction, traffic, and confused foreigners that go along with hosting the event? Would it really be worth all that time and money just to have a chance to watch sweet Rhythmic Gymnastics or Badminton in person? Let’s be honest with ourselves at this point the Olympics are kind of like that yearly  family reunion. You know when you were a kid it was fun, you hung out with your cousins, played whiffle ball, and pounded tomato sandwiches like it was your job. Now you still go because you think you should, kind of sit around, talk about who is doing what, kind of poke around at the “new” casserole recipe your grandma saw on the cooking network (which actually just looks like noodles and mayonnaise), and then start the countdown in your mind as to when you can officially make your exit without seeming like a jerk. That’s the Olympics today. We all feel compelled to turn on the t.v., watch a few events, drink coke from the special multi-national coke bottle, and try to talk ourselves into caring about how we do as a country. But let’s be honest, that mental countdown is rolling the whole time and we secretly can’t wait until we no longer have to sit through swimming highlights on Sports Center just to catch the baseball scores. Now, just like that family reunion, we’re always going to show up, smile, maybe even take a few swings with the whiffle ball bat for old times sake, but the last thing you want to do is host that beast. The last thing you want is to have to sit and wait for that one uncle with no sense of time to finally stop rambling about how much Jimmy Dean sausage has changed since he was a kid and go home. Yeah, like I said, you’re welcome Chicago.

Thought #2 – All the people who think there was a conspiracy against the U.S. need to go look at some pictures of Rio in the summer and compare them with Chicago. I love Chicago, but seriously just compare them.

Thought #3 – So, how do you get a professional football team pumped up for a big game? Well if you’re Rex Ryan you show the most gruesome clips from UFC fights you can find and then make references to wearing down Drew Brees. Awesome, I can’t wait to watch this game. Somebodies going to get cauliflower ear, I can feel it.

Thought #4 – Despite what looked like a slow College football day on paper yesterday, there were a few really good games.  LSU-GA was classic, Mich and Mich St. was nice, Miami surprised me with their defense really stepping up against Oklahoma, and on a personal level, Va. Tech finally woke up towards the end of their game, realized they were playing Duke, and went on to disappoint the tens of fans who were their hoping for an upset. Oh, and Notre Dame barely beat another unranked team and was treated as if it was the biggest win of the weekend by the media. I love Rudy, but I hate the Irish.

Today’s Picks: Jets over Saints, Ravens over Pats, Denver over Dallas, and Pitt over San Diego. Washington and Tennessee both really need wins, not sure either will get them and I think the Lions will put up a decent fight against the Bears. Should be a good day.

More later…..

Update:

Even though the Ravens lost, I find myself really like Joe Flacco. Not because he’s turning into a stud quarterback, which he is, but because he reminds me of Shane Falco, which reminds me of Orlando Jones, which reminds me of those sweet 7-Up commercials. Thank you Joe Flacco, thank you.

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erin-andrewsThought #1 – Earlier today it was reported that ESPN’s Erin Andrews has a stalker and the police know who it is. Now hold on, breathe easy fellas, they already caught the guy.  If you just went into panic mode wondering if the feds are onto your paper trail of Axe sprayed love letters you’ve been sending over the past 5 years, I apologize for the scare. But seriously, is there a better dream girl than Erin? I mean she is absolutely smoking and a college football reporter. I mean unless the character from “My Boys” comes to life (which by the way, is a pretty decent show even if it is a TBS production.) I’m pretty sure unless she comes to life, Erin is the full embodiment of the sports’ fan’s dream girl. Now I’m not saying it’s cool to start trailing her around town with binoculars and a high powered camera. Or to start randomly showing up at hotels where she is staying and leaving little stuffed mascots and musical Hallmark cards outside her door. Just be careful guys, its a slippery slope from cute love sick guy to creepyster hide in the bushes outside your window at nice stalker guy.

Thought #2 – For all the ladies who think it’s ridiculous for us to all drool over Erin, you do the same crap with Kirk Herbstreit, just with less Axe.

Thought #3 – Is there  cooler trophy than the Paul Bunyan Axe the winner of the Wisconsin vs. Minnesota game gets? That thing is massive. More games need cool trophies. The Axe is awesome and far superior to the cheese and fruit tray the winner of the UVA-UNC game will receive.

Thought #4 – By now you’ve probably heard all the disgusting stories of how workers at the cryonics clinic in Arizona played baseball with the frozen head of Ted Williams. The workers apparently took a wrench to Ted’s head, which was removed from his body. Absolutely one of the most horrible things I’ve ever heard of. What kind of people do this? Then again what kind of people get jobs at a facility in the desert, with the intent of freezing bodies to bring back to life in the future? And after you have that job, how do you ever apply for a normal job. How do you explain to a potential employer that you left your last job because you failed to bring the dead back to life?  Also, whose paying for all this crap? And why isn’t that money going to something more sensible, like umm the living? Listen,  I’m not sure exactly how Hell works, but I’ve got to think there is a special room there for people who go Saw on dead bodies.  Until then, I really hope Ted Williams’ ghost haunted the crap out of these people.

Thought #5 – LSU over GA, Ok over Miami, could be a very long day for Harris and Landry could go off. Also, USC will step it up against Cal I believe. I would hope otherwise but they already had their token in conference lose.

Thought #6 – Are there any better names for Quarterbacks that play in the state of Oklahoma or Texas than Colt, Sam, and Landry? You give your kid a name like that, and they almost have to live up to it. I’m sure it started when they were young too, you show up at the first day of pee wee with a name like that and you’re getting the red jersey. Meanwhile if you have any sort of hyphen in your name, you know, Jimmy-John, Billy-Bob, John-Henry, you’d better be good at two things, eating and blocking. Of course if your name sounds foreign at all, they are probably just going to hand you the kicking tee, sorry. But hey, you’ll probably get to go home early.

Miami is apparently now a state! Opps.

BACK PORCH PODCAST 10-1

Extra thoughts.

#1- It’s probably for the best that Vick’s shoes aren’t getting made. I’m be informed it’s far too soon to start making jokes about whether or not they will have laces, or if they will have his name and inmate number hidden somewhere on them, or if can we can get ankle straps that look like cuffs on the high top version. Just too soon.

By the way. Need your thoughts: Best Athlete endorsed shoe ever and worst.

shaqfu

#2- Big Baby loves Shaq, fact. Big Baby is taking MMA classes, fact. Therefore is it reasonable to expect Sega to produce a Big Baby-Fu game? Please say yes.

Thought #1- I’ve always thought if you are going to get a tattoo, you’d best have a sweet story to go with it. You know, spend solid couple of minutes explaining your ink rather than being like guy that’s like, “uh, Fords rule, Chevy sucks! H-yeah that’s why I got Calvin pisses on em.” Or maybe worse that sorority girl who picks a random butterfly off those sketchy display cdeshawn.generalcontentmap.0006.Imageharts, gets it putt on her side and spends the next 4 years watching it grow into a blurry mess that resembling some sort of flying saucer. Deshawn Stevenson is right there with me on this and his new tat has a great story, its call the Civil War. Deshawn broke out the Abe Lincoln neck tattoo this week at one of the preseason press conferences. As far as ink goes, that’s a pretty tough act to follow. I guess if Lebron drops a Teddy Roosevelt on his calve, or AI gets a scenic Jefferson standing in front of Monticello across his back, that could give it a run, but so far Deshawn’s got this award on lock down.

Thought #2- There three things that I will never buy into no matter how much T.V. tries to convince me I should. Snuggies, The Tyler Perry Show, and the WNBA. Apparently I’m not alone in the latter. Last night Phoenix beat Indiana in game one of the WNBA finals, not really that important. What is important is that only 7,200 people attending that game, which normally wouldn’t be horrible except for the fact that Steve Kerr purchased and tried to give away 7,000 tickets on his own. I mean really, you can’t even give away a ticket to this game on a random Tuesday night. People are like, ah exciting basketball below the rim or catch up on whatever new awful series TNT is producing tonight. Hmm, well I do love Zach Morris, looks like Raising the Bar is getting a few new fans for the night. I’m just saying, it’s been well over 10 years now and this hasn’t caught on, might be time to cut bait and save a little on the light bill.

Thought #3 – I hope Obama fails to get the Olympics to come to Chicago. Granted the city could grow from the money, but one of the other places the Olympics could be held is Rio, which seems like it would be sweet. Then, on the other hand, maybe the Olympic committee is fearing that. I mean do you choose to lay on the beach, listen to some Buffet, and throw back margaritas all day or go watch freestyle dancing. Hmm, decisions decisions.

Thought #4 – Tim Tebow is reportedly looking good in his recovery efforts. He said this is the first time he remembers getting a concision, but then again how much can you trust the memory of a guy whose brain was so scrambled a few days ago he was telling people he wanted to be a dump truck when he grows up. Get well soon Timbo.

Thought #5 – Podcast #2. Planning on tomorrow night, which should give you something fun to do at work on Friday. Suggestions/thoughts/feedback welcome as always.

Thought#6 – Vick is not only back on the field, but he is also back with Nike. Sweet! Can I expect another sweet pair of cross-trainers? You know the kind that at first you think are really awesome and after about a week you realize unless you’re 10, there really aren’t that many places you can wear a pair of high tops with turf cleats and red and yellow lightning bolts down the sides. With that said, I can’t wait to get my pair.

herschel walkerThought #1 – Lots of retired players take up second careers. Some sell cars, some coach, and plenty try to do some form of T.V., whether it be sports related or just horrible sit-coms. *cough cough Micheal Strahan . Herschel Walker has decided to spend his golden years rolling around with other equally scary men and getting cauliflower ear. That’s right, Walker at the age of 47 is joining the UFC. While I’m not sure why he’s doing this, I am sure every time you see him for the next few years he’ll be rocking one of those hideous UFC tees with that crazy sideways print. Herschel’s always been an unconventional athlete, but jumping into the octagon with Kimbo Slice might be a bit much.

Thought#2 – Tweeter is apparently the new crack. Rex Ryan benched WR and yearly fantasy league sleeper David Clowney after he tweeted that he was slightly upset with his playing time but really happy with the team’s win. Ryan’s pretty old school so I’m not sure if he was offended by what Clowney said, or just scared by the new technology entering the locker room. I hear he might ban digital cameras this week for the fear that they suck in peoples souls. Seriously though, Rex you keep winning, and you can do whatever you want.

On the college side Texas Tech coach Mike Leach has completely banned his players from even having tweeter accounts. This after he found out that Marion Williams tweeted that Leach wasn’t present at a team meeting. Not smart dude. It’s one thing to tweet about sitting on your couch, what you’re cooking for dinner, or which Laguna Beach chick you think is hottest,  but you can’t rag on your head coach. Leach thinks tweeter and facebook  are “stupid” and insists if his players need attention he has plenty of graduate assistants that will sit and listen to them talk. I really hope Marion takes him up on this. Can’t you just see some poor G.A. trailing him around campus like one of those little “fun” guys from the Dave and Buster commercials, trying to jot down notes of, “Marion is walking to class.” Marion is eating popcorn chicken.” “Marion thinks ketchup and mayonnaise should come premixed in a combination called ketchupise.” It might be rough to be a player on a team with a coach that strict, but it’s got to be far worse to be a G.A. for him.

Thought #3 – The Angels officially made the playoffs last night and went nuts, as do many teams, turning the locker room into a frat house. That actually seemed kind of normal for baseball, but what seemed off was their attempt to honor the lose of teammate Nick Adenhart at the same time. I talked with the local sports radio host here and he referred to it as seeming weird to him and I completely agree. I mean it was pretty creepy and kind of left me in one of those nervous laughter type moods. I mean here is a reporter trying to interview a guy about his fallen teammate and halfway through the conversation he’s like,” umm yeah we really miss him, but I gotta run….keg stand wooo!!! It was just odd.

Thought#4- Raiders assistant coach Randy Hanson has officially told the police that Tom Cable did in fact break his jaw. The good new for the Raiders is that they are still cutting checks to the guy even though hes banned from having anything to do with the team, which is pretty consistent with their policy of paying people for doing absolutely nothing productive. Wonder if they can strike this same deal with JaMarcus? I’m not sure how all this will pan out, but really hope HBO does “Hard Knocks” in Oakland next year.

Thought #1 – If there is one thing you didn’t want to be this weekend it was a quarterback in the state of Florida. Tampa’s Brian Leftwich was officially benched today meanwhile Miami’s Chad Pennington is most likely out for the season after wrecking his shoulder yesterday, although he will have a second opinion with the well known sports surgeon Dr. James Andrews. Kind of makes me wonder who he went to for the first opinion, some random intern at a Miami ER? I’m picturing Chad sitting in that waiting room, you know the one where ever chair has some sort of awkward stain on it, he’s sitting there staring at that token fish tank, trying to fight the urge to flip through Southern Living, just because it’s the only magazine that doesn’t look like a dog has chewed it up. At the same time he’s trying to avoid making eye contact with the extremely large lady and her extremely skinny husband whose hand is wrapped up thanks to an accident involving some combination of a weed eater, christmas lights, and beer. Yeah, a second opinion is a good call Chad.

On the college side, Tim Tebow got absolutely rocked in the 3rd quarter of the Kentucky game, leaving him able only to recite half of the book of Leviticus. Meanwhile the U’s Jecory Harris probably wishes he could use that excuse after only completing 9 passes and being sacked 3 times this weekend by the Hokies. Just a bad week to be under center in the sunshine state.

Thought #2 What Eric Mangini said, “Were going to start the guy who gives us the best chance to win.” What Eric Mangini meant, “Both these guys suck, I wish I had my old job as the film monkey for the Pats back.” Oh and by the way, Brady Quinn’s QB rating right now, 62.9. Might be time to spend less time on the ab rocker and more time watching film, just saying.

Thought #3 – T.O. kept it together yesterday…well for a while at least. After NBC’s Rodney Harrison referred to Owens as a clown, T.O. did what any real man does, he tweeted a very mean tweet. Check it out, he even used all those little tweeting grammar shortcuts 090928-terrell-owens-200nfl

“I could less about Rodney Harrison! Anybody tht using steroids, yes STEROIDS rodney, is a cheater & cheated the game!
Is tht Y u used steroids b/c u were worried about ur stats or ws it b/c u were losing it? Lol! U’re a loser & a cheater? Got any steroids I cn borrow? Hey rodney! Send me sum steroids 2 the Bills facility next week!”

As for Harrison, he’s planning an official response just as soon as he can find a 12 year old girl to translate the lingo for him.

Thought #4 – Carolina needs tonight far more than Dallas does. I believe the NFC South is going to be a way harder division to win than the NFC East this season. The Saints are blazing and Falcons are legit, that’s going to be very tough for the Panthers to compete with down the stretch. Meanwhile, other than the Giants, the NFC East doesn’t have a stud team. Sure the Eagles are good right now, but we all know  Westbrook and McNabb will randomly miss games all year, and you can’t play the Chiefs every week fellas. Likewise this is a far more crucial game for Jake Delhomme than Tony Romo.

Speaking of which, I need to quit typing and go watch the intros for the game. I’d hate to miss the smoked up entrance and I’m still hoping the WCW Nitro girls show up.

UPDATE: Tuesday Morning Quick Thoughts:

The Cowboys and the Panthers were both over hyped, and neither can win their division right now.

The Cowboys really miss having a legit #1 receiver and I really miss having Jessica Simpson to look at between plays rather than seeing Jerry Jones’s luxury box. Go pick up a U.S. weekly Tony and get to work picking out a new lady, preferably a brunette.

Either Colt McCoy or Sam Bradford should be living in Charlotte this time next year.

Thought #1 – For all those people who think Jim Zorn is not on the hot seat, they might want to check out the blisters forming on the dude’s butt cheeks after today’s lost to the Lions. After the game Zorn mentioned that he didn’t really think about the fact that the Lions had not won a game in over a year. Riiiiight. Well Jim, you might not have been thinking about it, but I’ll tell you who was, every single Skins fan. Nothing about this is going to sit well in Washington and neither is Zorn. You can’t go out and barely beat St. Louis and then break the Lions 19 game skid in the same season and not have your job on the line. Be careful Jim, those wind pants probably aren’t going to provide much comfort in your seat, in fact, their is a good chance they Bears Seahawks Footballare melting as we speak and smell like a combo of old Chinese food and feet.

Thought #2 – When you’re season looks rough, you’re starting QB goes down, and you’re defense is constantly under achieving, what is the won thing you can do to completely redeem yourself? Break out some highlighter colored unis. Actually this is pretty brilliant. Think about it, you know you can’t possibly win with Seneca Wallace under center so instead of have your fan base see an embarrassing game, you go Oregon Ducks on yourselves and make it so that anyone who tunes in’s retinas are instantly burnt. Good thinking.

Thought#3 – I’m expecting the Redskins to wear a hideous shade of highlighter yellow next week.

Thought#4 – I watched a lot of football this weekend. I’m a fan, that’s what I do. Ozzie Guillen apparently does not share this same sentiment. Following a Sox lose, Ozzie went off to the media about his players watching “bleeping” football in the clubhouse. He scolding them for not caring and told them to get another job if that is how little they cared. Dear lord, it’s a good thing he didn’t catch Jermaine Dye texting or Konerko hitting up the PSP, good chance the Oz would have straight murdered them. What is it about having the name Ozzie that makes people act so nuts? It’s almost like it’s their personal burden to have to act ridiculous on a regular basis. They just wake up on a random Thursday and think, dag I haven’t flipped crap on anyone this week, guess today’s the day. Oh well, blaaahhhh I hate football!

Thought #5 -Quick NFL thoughts.

Who impressed:

The Pats run game, Fred Taylor broke out for over a century, which was much needed to beat Atlanta.

Also, Bret Favre is still Bret Favre and despite the fact I hate Wrangler jeans and everything they stand for, I dig Bret.

The Ravens are legit and have somehow brought Willis McGahee back from the dead.

Jacksonville. Once again, they fly under the radar and get a big win.

Who sucked:

T.O. – Held without a catch against New Orleans today. Makes you wonder how long Buffalo will put up with a non producing drama queen. I mean it’s like dating a stupid hot girl. You can put up with it until the looks start to fade, but then having to explain to her why there are buffalo wings, but she never sees any of them flying gets kind of old. By the way, pretty sure that was the hat from Caddyshack that you get the free bowl of soup with.

Marc Bulger – Got knock out of a game for like the 12th season in a row.

Pierre Thomas – Wait, but he had a great game right? Yeah, well thanks for telling me you were going to do that Pierre, had you on my fantasy league bench. And yes it is all about me and my team.

Thought #1- Tech showed up. They actually looked like classic Va. Tech for the first time this season. The biggest reason, they went into attack mode. Far too often over the past few years Foster’s defense has laid back, rushed only the down linemen, and attempted to pick off passes. Today they actually got after it. They did what no one else has done this season, they put Jacory Harris on his butt. Offensively, they were solid. When they ran, they ran north-south, and when they passed, it actually looked like Tyrod was making decent reads. This attitude carried over to the special teams allowing them to block one punt, but more importantly, they looked like they made legit efforts to block several others, rather than try for a big return. That’s Hokie football and that resulted in a touchdown. If they keep playing like this, I have a hard time seeing anyone else beat them this year.

Thought #2 – Miami was over ranked. Part of this is the media frenzy that goes into a giddy frenzy every time a Miami, Notre Dame, or Penn State start to look semi decent. Hence ESPN running constant promos about the “U” being back. Might want to wait awhile on that one fellas. The other part is the fact that Miami is this year’s ECU. There is always a team during the first few games of the season that starts off hot, kills it their first few games, and jumps through the polls like crazy. That’s Miami. What happens is after a few games other teams get enough game film on them to discover their weakness and beat their tails. Another good reason to not have polls until the 5th week of the season or so.

Thought #3- The only bad part of the game today for me was having to see Donna Shalala on my T.V. I mean seriously, I feel like I should be paying her a toll to cross a bridge or something. If it wasn’t enough that she is absolutely crazy, she also makes me think about all those nightmares I had about trolls as a child after I watched Ernest Scared Stupid. Freaking creepy. I mean the least she could do is mix in some pink hair that stands straight up and be one of those happy trolls girls used buy. I really hope I can get to sleep tonight.

081005_donnashalalatrolls-doll-red-hair

Thought #4- Cal got rolled on by Oregon proving once again that none of us really watch Pac-10 football enough to have any idea who is good or bad in that conference. Every year we just kind of guess USC will be awesome and assume some other random team out of that conference will be decent. The most impressive thing about this game though, was that Oregon actually wore semi decent looking uniforms. Thank the lord they finally ditched the metal shoulder pad or wings look.  Just because you have the money to wear a gazillion different types of ugly unis, doesn’t mean you should.

Thought #5 – Al Davis is not only very greasy, he also is one of the grumpiest old men alive. The Raiders have reportedly attempted to ban former QB Rich Gannon from calling their games. The Raiders attempted to ban Gannon, who now works for CBS, from attending Saturdays production meeting at the stadium due to his recent criticism of the organization. Listen Al, if you’re going to ban every analyst who is critical of how you’ve buried that franchise, you’re going to have a tough time finding anyone to call the games. You need to spend less time worrying about whose calling your games and more time worrying about why you’re paying a guy to play quarterback who, as we speak, just put a bookmark in the Cat in the Hat. (Don’t worry JaMarcus promised to finish it this week and says he is excited to find out if there’s going to be a plot twist in the end.) I’m pretty sure it’s time for you to spend less time screwing up that team and more time thinking about your decision to wear those velvet work out suits. But I guess if you really don’t want Gannon there, you can always ask Tom Cable to go Mike Tyson on him.

Thought #6 – Coye Francies doesn’t like to be picked on. The Brown’s rookie cornerback went off on his teammates after being pranked earlier this week, throwing a bucket of ice and taking some swings at folks in the locker room. Now I know I’ve never been an NFL rookie but if there’s one thing I learned as a freshman in high school it’s that you just gotta suck it up when it comes to that freshman initiation. You get pissed and you’re on a one way street towards a year of frozen underwear, super glue in your jock strap, and possibly waking up at camp with some sort of dead animal in your bed. So good luck getting untaped from that goal post and be sure not to leave your lunch tray unattended.

Thought #7 – Check out the pod cast, it’s the pilot so it’s a little rough but thoughts and feedback would be awesome.

Back Porch Pilot

Thought #1 – Plaxico Burress was reportedly greeted by taunts of “a-hole” and “the Giants suck” yesterday as he entered Rikers Island. It was said that Plax was very depressed over this. I’m guessing dude expected more of a warm cup of coffee and hand shake type greeting? Now granted, everything I know about prison is based off movies, but I’m pretty sure prisons are kind of an unfriendly place. I’m also pretty sure there are two ways this entrance can go, you either get yelled at and taunted or you get whistled at. Plax, unless you packed multiple shades of eye shadow and lip stick in your carry on, you should be pretty happy with your entrance. All I can say is, start collecting cigarettes buddy, and try to stay away from anyone who has any type of pet in there, not only is it creepy, it always ends bad.

Thought #2 – The perfect storm is about to hit Philly on Sunday. McNabb is all but ruled out and Vick is completely available for the first time. The Eagles are keeping this pretty hush hush, but seriously, I give it about 3 minutes before Eagles fan grows tired of looking at Kolb and starts up the “We want Vick” chant. This is a mess waiting to happen and the only thing I can really guarantee is that none of those people who protested Vick playing will even see the game.I honestly cannot wait.

Thought #3 – I’m really glad Tony Stewart has finally got his head on straight. I mean really, did any of us ever really believe he was eating subway all the time? The guy is built like Mario. Put a sweet mustache on him and I’ll swear I saw him kick a turtle off a giant palm tree. Stewart has now chosen to go with a much more believable campaign in supporting the Whopper. Good call Tony. I can easily see you pounding 3 or 4 of those a week. In fact, I have no doubt you mix in the double Whopper and rings every now and then just to keep it real, oh and extra zesty sauce please.

Thought #4 – Now I’m not saying that no one has or will be Va. Tech to beat Miami this weekend, but so far I haven’t seen it. In fact all I’ve seen is every guru pick Miami and act as if they are picking a huge underdog. I’m not really sure how this works. You pick the higher ranked team and you’re out on a limb? I really hope Tech whips them, of course I also hope Jessie Palmer burns his tongue and can’t talk for the rest of the season. That would be excellent.

Thought #5 – It looks like the Raiders and Lions games will both be blacked out this weekend due to lack of ticket sales. So I guess if you can’t afford to go to the game during this tough economic times, the NFL has now decided you can’t watch it on TV as well. Nice NFL, way to lift the spirits of people. Well, actually, check that. If you lost your job and are kind of down and out, do you really want to watch either of these teams play? Maybe the league is smarter than I think and is just hoping you’ll watch a rerun of Roadhouse on USA instead. I mean it really could help you feel better.